For All the Moments I Missed……

It’s been a long time since I’ve written. Sorry folks, but things have been a bit turned upside-down. Or, at least that’s how things have felt to me.

photo by Ben Cook

From tech rehearsals in Des Moines, Appleton (yes, that’s in Wisconsin), and Louisville to Noah’s performance debut in Louisville, we haven’t had much in the way of free time. Now that Noah is in the show, it isn’t quite so crazy, yet somehow busier. And here we are: in Milwaukee (last week in Madison). Cities are already blurring together and we’ve only just begun!

I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You see, I missed a lot of moments in Noah’s life and my older son Ethan’s. No matter how much I wish I could go back in time, I will never have these moments again. I missed Noah’s first steps, first words and many other “firsts.” I didn’t mean to “miss” these moments. Really — would any mother want to miss any major milestones? But for about the first two to three years of Noah’s life, I was pretty much knocked out of commission with a neurological illness. I slowly recovered and found my way to yoga (a whole separate blog someday). The long and short of it: This changed the course of my life, ironically but not surprisingly…. for the better. It also changed everything for my family. Sometimes I wish for a do-over. Sometimes I am grateful. Mostly though, I appreciate that this is what was meant to be, at least for me.

So what is my present? It is here. It is now. I may have missed moments 10 years ago, but I am here for them now, at least with Noah and as much as possible with Ethan.

I was with Noah at his call-back audition for Billy Elliot. I received the phone call when he got the role. I decided to leave my business, with the support of my husband, and go on tour with Noah. This is something I would not have been able to do only two years ago for many reasons. Was it scary leaving it all behind to go with Noah on this tour? You better believe it! I turned over the day-to-day operations of my yoga studio to the very competent Heidi and gave up my own financial security because I did not want to miss out, once again, on these special moments. I made this decision despite the fact that I don’t like being on the road. Heck, I gave up my career as a travel writer eight years ago because traveling became too stressful. Yet here I am doing it all again. But this time around it feels different. It is certainly not without stress (that’s yet another blog post!) But it feels right and I get to be here to witness moments of time I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to do otherwise.

I sat in the audience of Noah’s very first show on July 1 and cried, the whole time. I saw him sing with his angelic voice in front of an audience for the first time ever. I watched him gracefully dance across the stage. I saw the culmination of seven weeks of intense rehearsals and couldn’t believe this was my son. It was a moment I will never forget. I got to witness it.

I went with Noah to the Milwaukee Brewer’s game on July 18 and watched him sing our National Anthem (click to view video) with a group of his Billy Elliot cast-mates. It was a moment I will never forget. I got to witness it.

But more important than witnessing these “take your breath away moments,” I get to be here every day to watch him develop and grow. I see how he interacts with those around him and watch his kindness first-hand. I know I am in the right place at the right time. I am proud beyond belief. I am too grateful for words.

For all the moments I missed, I get to be here now.